Don’t sweat the small stuff? Less fretting? Less hovering? Less stress? I’m all for it. Below are the solutions that some moms found helpful. No one size fits all, so determine what works for you, what you can let go of, what brings more peace to the day and do it!
http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/01/11477363-these-moms-dont-sweat-the-small-stuff
On Monday on The Today Show, Matt Lauer interviewed Hugh Grant, who was there promoting his upcoming movie release. In the course of the interview, the two discussed Grant’s new baby and first child and the role of fatherhood. Matt asked Grant about his very public opinion of the giving of money to children and his desire to provide, but not indulge. Grant said, Money is demotivating to children, to anyone really, and I certainly do not plan to provide her (his daughter) with a trust fund at 18. Well said.
Then Matt asked the tough question. Acknowledging the obvious that this child would grow up in affluence, he asked Grant how he planned on handling that affluence with his daughter. Good question, and Grant’s response indicated that he was not completely sure how he would address that on a day to day level, saying that he would certainly provide for her needs, but not lavish her unnecessarily. A tough question indeed, and not just for Hugh Grant. It’s a tough question for all of us.
In this culture, many of us fall into the category of “affluent.” We may not have Hugh Grant affluence, but many of us live far above the poverty level. And although the range of income in the middle to upper class may be wide, the reality is, many of us live in a culture where our kids have optimal opportunities, including but not confined to good educations, pleasant housing, meals in restaurants, games, toys, electronics, vacations, camps, lessons, relevant clothing and abundant food choices. As compared with anyone living in true poverty, many of us are rich. So the tough question posed to Hugh Grant is our tough question too. How do we handle our “wealth” with our children?
And here’s the tough answer: we have to be able to handle it ourselves. We have to live it. We have to be it. The answer to many of our questions as parents is the same, because ultimately who we are, not what we do, raises our children. If we want them to be responsible, we need to live responsibly. If we want them to live within their means, we have to live within our means. If we want them to have integrity, they must see us live a life of integrity. On and on it goes. That expression the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree didn’t come out of thin air. A little observation produced the common truth.
The problem with money is that it has the unfortunate ability to mask the truth. Money is a good disguise and has the potential to cover a lot of mistakes and flaws – to our children and to ourselves. Money gives us the deceptive option of living above our consequences. And whenever that happens, everyone is susceptible to a false and unfortunately superior attitude and self-perception. Everyone. From the moderately successful to the extremely wealthy. Everyone.
None of us is very good at seeing ourselves clearly and often we wear our rose-colored glasses when viewing our children. And the availability of resources only deepens our ability to resolve the less than lovely consequences that often come with poor choices and bad decisions. We are able to eliminate the costs or at the very least soften the magnitude that can come from poor behavior – our own and our children’s. We can cover our sins, so to speak. And in the process, we cover the shame and pain that come with consequences. But pain and embarrassment are necessary teachers of improved behavior and better choices and without them, we and our children become the lesser of ourselves.
Again, a tough question without easy answers. These kinds of questions make being a parent hard, because these questions call the focus to be on us. So that means the next time you pull out your credit card, you have to ask yourself what you are teaching the children watching you. The next time you buy a car you don’t really need, or a bigger house when the one that you have is sufficient, or another, another, another, when what you have is already more than what you really need, you have to ask yourself what those eyes and ears that are taking in every move you make are really taking in. And the next time you choose to “fix,” or eliminate consequences, either your own or your child’s, you have to wonder if you are really helping, or hurting, yourself and your family. Tough questions require tough – and honest – answers, as the answer can go a long way in determining where the apples will land.
Two days after I wrote Monday’s post A Better Way, I saw the following segment on The Today Show, with the same author, Pamela Druckerman, sharing her experiences living in France. If you live in Richmond, Virginia, you probably heard me that morning clapping and cheering her on. Finally, finally, finally, we have visible evidence of a better way, and not with just one child, but with a majority of the families in France. Please watch!
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/46293805#46293805
Young children sitting quietly in restaurants while the family has dinner. Young children eating vegetables. Young children sleeping through the night by two or three months old. And parents of young children who are not frantic, stressed out, or worn out by their children. You can’t tell me that French kids are that different from American kids – not a whole country’s worth! Nope, it is the French parent that is different and the difference is making all the difference for the good of the parents, the children, and for the family.
And the American response is universal. How do they do it? What’s the secret? The secret is bigger than a system or a methodology or a style. The answer is bigger than a book or a doctor. They are drowning in their cultural approach, just like us. What they do differently is assumed, just like us. But unlike us, who seek solutions in a check list or a to do list, the French are comfortable and secure with their role. The answer is not who is good and who is bad, who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong. The answer is not about doing. The answer is about being.
And what struck me most in watching this video segment was that the French seem to intrinsically understand how to transfer responsibility for the child to the child, and at very young ages. For example, they allow their babies to cry for a period of time, giving the child the opportunity to learn to put himself back to sleep. They don’t rush in and “fix it.” They expect a child to behave. They expect a child to be patient. They are insistent that a child say hello and goodbye, instilling in him at a very young age that others are as important as he is. They are the parents, the adults, and they are very comfortable with their authority.
And Americans, for the most part, are not. And what is most ironic is how happy, how secure, how satisfied, and how pleasant the French children appear to be as compared with American children, who are raised in a culture that is consumed with how they feel. In a culture consumed with their schedules, with their education, their activities, with their every move. In a culture that assumes responsibility for the child at every turn, with parents that center their days, and their home and their lives around the children. I am not saying that French children never misbehave, never have bad days, never demand. I am saying that in France, evidently those bad days do not cripple the parents, neither robbing them of their authority nor their comfort in their role.
A counselor told me several years ago, Never do for someone else what he can do for himself. Those were life changing words, and had I learned them sooner than later, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. And I would have been a better parent. I was very comfortable in my role, but I did too much for my kids and I know that now. We were never meant to carry another’s responsibilities. And whenever we do, even if they are our very young children, we do not help them. We hurt them, we inhibit their innate abilities, we keep them from growing up. Instead of encouraging their adulthood, we ensure their childhood and the consequences of that are children who biologically are adults, but mentally and emotionally are still children. And saddest of all, we rob ourselves of all the joy along the way, and we are left with fatigue and a weariness of body and spirit.
If you watched that video above, or if you have read any of Pamela Druckerman’s story, I think you will have to agree that the picture of children sitting quietly in a restaurant, with their parents, everyone apparently enjoying themselves, is a good picture. An enviable picture. It is also an achievable picture. Consider life differently. Vive la France!
