No doubt you have heard, read or seen the latest firestorm of media backlash over the cover of Time Magazine and the practice of Attachment Parenting.  On the cover of the magazine is a young (and beautiful) mom nursing an almost four year old boy and the words Are You Mom Enough?  I probably need say no more than that.  Even if you know nothing of the article and never read Time Magazine, you can imagine the response that just the cover generated.  Apparently the practice (and picture) of breastfeeding beyond infancy carries with it some rather strong opinions.

Attachment Parenting is a practice of parenting generally characterized by baby wearing (use of a sling or similar device worn by the mother for carrying the child), extended breastfeeding beyond the first year of life, co-sleeping with parents, prompt response to the needs of a child, and positive discipline with gentle redirection. The theory behind the practice seeks security in the child through establishing physical and emotional closeness with the parents.

Neither the article nor the parenting style evokes especially strong feelings in me. Personally I would not want to breastfeed a child past the first year of life, but for those inclined that way, I am not offended.  Personally, I would not want to co-sleep with my child/children.  I doubt I could – sleep, that is - even if I wanted to.  I’m not a touchy feely and the thought of sleeping with a crowd is not enticing to me.  I remember sleeping with my children when they were sick and I usually always ended up on the floor or in the chair beside them.  Too fidgety for me.  Personally I would not want to carry my child in a sling much past infancy. I don’t have the strength for it.  But again, for those that do, I support you.

What struck me as ironic, however, is the repulsion some felt by those continuing the practices of infancy past what they felt was an appropriate age.  Criticisms included statements like this style of parenting would encourage dependency on the parent.  Really? This pattern would keep a child from discovery of himself as an individual.  You’re kidding, right? This method would prohibit necessary boundaries between parent and child.  I almost laughed out loud. In the American culture, the practice of attachment parenting extends far past breastfeeding and co-sleeping.  We have children in college whose parents are daily redirecting and responding to their every need.  Breastfeeding at four is the least of our worries. 

What made me mad, however, was the title.  What made me sad was the title.  What made me sigh was the title.  Are You Mom Enough?  If I wanted to laugh at some of the ironic responses to the article, I wanted to cry at the cover title.  After having spent some time working with mothers who hover and spin and manage and control, who feel responsible for every activity, every feeling, every grade, every moment of their child’s life, from cradle to college diploma, I see not just the effects of that on the children.  I see first-hand, every day, the effects of that on the mothers.

The problem is not being enough.  The problem is being too much.  The problem is doing too much.  But not one – not one – mother I have talked to has told me she felt like she was mom enough.  Not one.  Between the culture of over attachment parenting and the insidious drive to look and be perfect, with perfect children, who have perfect grades and are always perfectly happy and who get into the perfect college, today’s mom is burying herself under a perfect weight of insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt.  They are convinced that they cannot do enough, be enough or give enough.  And almost without exception, every single one of them, is about to give out.  All in pursuit of something that does not exist.  I rarely use the word hate, but I hate the title on that cover of Time Magazine.

My mother did not think of herself as flawless or perfect or above making a mistake.  But her imperfection did not cripple her from leading with confidence and self-assurance.  She did the best she could, she let herself off the hook for what she was not, she was confident in her own authority and humanity. And I am pretty sure she would have laughed at such a preposterous question as was on the cover of that magazine. She was mom enough and so are you.  Believe it.