I often write about the cultural pressures on today’s family, specifically the idol of perfection that is crippling mothers, causing them to doubt themselves, unnecessarily burden their children, and destroy family life.  Most of the moms I talk to are, in a word, exhausted.  As they should be.  Perfection does not now nor will it ever exist in this world.  Never.  And the pursuit of the impossible is exhausting.  No one can be all things to all people.  But the fear of what we are not is blinding us to what we are.  And in trying to achieve the unachievable, many moms are unhappily unaware of their accomplishments.

So I decided to make a list of all the hats I had worn when I was a young mother to my four.  And when I made the list, I wished I had made the list a long time ago.  I, like so many mothers I know, was much too hard on myself.  I didn’t give myself enough credit.  At the end of most days, I didn’t think about the many things I had accomplished, but only the few I had not.  Or, I went to bed thinking about tomorrow’s list, prioritizing, managing and planning in my head what was to be, forgetting completely what was or had been.  And, if I had accomplished little, I felt as if I had failed, disappointed with myself and my “performance.”

Life is not a performance and when we reduce it to that, we are always left feeling dissatisfied, unaccomplished, and ever in need of greater control.  Control of ourselves, control of our family and friends, control of our children, control of our circumstances, control, control, control.  And sadly, a little bit empty. Unfulfilled.  Not good enough.  And then the worst happens.  We leave those around us feeling a little bit empty and not good enough.  We become people who can never be pleased.

So I share my Many Hat List with you below because my bet is most of you have worn all of these hats and probably more, and my hope is you will recognize all that you are, and let yourself (and your children) off the hook for anything you feel you are not.  In my years as a mother to four, I have been:

doctor, nurse, veterinarian, counselor, advisor, teacher, tutor, short order cook, chef, caterer, party planner, event planner, manager, scheduler, administrative assistant, driver, personal shopper, photographer, historian, housekeeper, laundress, bookkeeper, refuse maintenance, yard maintenance, decorator, painter, home repair, seamstress, elder caretaker, moving and storage

And to anyone wanting to see my resume, I would love to march out four adult children, imperfect yet responsible, flawed but respectful, needy and amazingly resourceful. They are the work of my hands. Top that!

But don’t wait to write your list, like I did.  Write it now.  And don’t wait to let yourself off the hook, like I did.  Do it now.  And don’t wait to let go of your desire to control like I did.  Release it now.  Stop performing and start living. 

When my kids were young, we would send out a Christmas card every year with their picture enclosed and every year I would take picture after picture after picture, trying to get the perfect one.   After Christmas I would go through the rejected photos, and every year I would think to myself, why did I take so many pictures?  Many of these were really good. But before Christmas, they just weren’t good enough … and so I tortured the children and myself trying to get the perfect picture.  My dear sweet wonderful mothers, there is no perfect picture.  Stop torturing yourself and your children in search for it. Good enough is really good enough.  In fact, good enough is really pretty amazing.